It’s almost impossible to understate the importance of good communication skills. They open doors, bring confidence, build relationships and smooth your progress towards your goals.However, as we all know, communication can be fraught with difficulty. Say you want to put an idea across to another person:It’s no wonder that the message received can be very different from the original idea. Misunderstandings can be cleared up by asking for or providing feedback, but more often than not this doesn’t happen.Communication takes place in a variety of ways – face to face, in writing, electronically (telephone, radio, etc) and via e-mail and internet, etc. But we’re going to concentrate on face to face interactions, because it is often these which are the most difficult.
Active Listening
Listening is a vital and often undervalued communication skill.
Listening is an active and conscious use of your hearing. Hearing is simply what happens when your ears pick up noise. It is a passive and unconscious use of your senses. But listening is intentional and deliberate.
Listening is the way you learn from others. It is also the way you show that you are interested in them, appreciate and value them, and respect their feelings. Nothing makes a person feel as accepted as really being listened to. Nothing makes a person feel as
misunderstood and devalued as being ignored.
The fact is (and this is often overlooked by poor communicators): people are more interested in themselves and what they have to say than what you have to say. That’s why popular people are nearly always attentive listeners. Think about it – don’t you like it when someone gives you their undivided attention? That’s why people are willing to pay good money for an hour with a therapist or life coach – to have someone really listen!
Eight Rules Of Good Listening
Which of these do you already do naturally? Which do you need to practise and improve?
Representational Systems
Most life coaches are skilled in the use of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a set of techniques developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s. NLP is a collection of highly effective concepts, tools and procedures based on a profound understanding of the mind. You can use NLP techniques to enhance your listening abilities, build rapport with anyone, and improve your understanding of yourself and others.
Metaphors
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325 Noticing and understanding metaphors . A metaphor is a story, illustration or figure of speech which likens one thing (such as an idea or concept) to another. The two things may bear little resemblance to each other, but enable us to gain a better understanding. For instance, there’s no such thing as an ‘icy glance’ or ‘nerves of steel’, and no one really speaks with a plum in their mouth, but we know what they mean.
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When we likened the goal-seeking mechanism within the subconscious to a nuclear missile seeking out its target, we were using a metaphor.
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Listen carefully for metaphors. They reveal a great deal about a person’s attitudes, values and view of the world.
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For example:
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‘Life is a bowl of cherries.’
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‘Life’s a bitch and then you die.’
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‘I was born under a lucky star.’
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‘Life is a journey.’
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‘Life isn’t a bed of roses.’
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‘Trying to get any sense out of him is like pulling teeth.’
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‘Every cloud has a silver lining.’
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Metaphors are often used unconsciously. Sometimes the speaker inadvertently reveals something about themselves. That’s why they are such a valuable source of insight and information for the perceptive and willing listener.
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326 Listen to your self-talk and monitor yourself in conversation.
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What metaphors do you use frequently?
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What do they say about you as a person – your way of looking at the world, your attitudes, beliefs, etc?
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Rapport
Rapport is an agreeable relationship in which there is a common understanding and usually an emotional bond or connection between the individuals concerned. Rapport creates a climate of trust which makes an interaction smoother. You don’t have to like someone to be in rapport with them (but it helps).
Conversational Skills
Initiating A Conversation